the miel diaries

a public memoir

Late Night Thoughts

09 . 17 . 23

Limbo

I stood alone there

in that sliver of space 

between reality and delusion.

Lost in limbo mistaken for love.

12 . 11 . 22

Hypocrisy  & Other Vices

As much as I want to differ from you, we have the same tendencies ingrained in us. I act like I am a better version of you, as if the self-awareness I so painfully possess, alleviates the damage I do. It is just as violent and destructive, (But it’s self-sabotage, there are no casualties this time around.) I’ll suffer in silence like you. I’ll run from my problems. I’ll drink or smoke or worse, to numb myself like you. I’ve had to contort my beliefs, my boundaries, to survive this secondhand life. I’m living out of my comfort zone indefinitely. Which leaves me asking, how long is too long to blame you?

7 . 18 . 22.

go to bed

You’d always let me stay up past my bedtime. We’d share snacks and watch stupid shows like jackass. When I couldn’t sleep you’d grab the same gray ceramic mug with three blue geese on it. Make me warm milk & honey. 

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment things went bad. Maybe it’s better that way. I wonder what about me you’d hate now. Maybe my nose ring. The things I have to say. How you don’t scare me anymore.

I still stay up past my bedtime, even now. I eat snacks and watch stupid shows like jackass. When I really can’t sleep, I make a mug of warm milk & honey. It reminds me of how things used to be and how parts of you live in me.

7 . 19 . 22

I know

I’m not always

my best

but

could you still

love me?