Self Sabotage

It took a few big losses to realize   

that most things have an expiration date 

& my perception on life was tainted

I started to grieve things 

before I lost them,

I acted out

fearful an imaginary timer

would start counting down 

if I was too vulnerable

or someone or something 

had gotten too close 

It’s shameful

when self preservation

turns into 

self sabotage 

There was no justifying 

the monster

I allowed myself to revert to

bad habits,

bad attitude,

a lack of control 

There is no amount 

of crying or

pleading with God 

that would undo 

the pain I caused myself

and worse others

all because 

I couldn’t communicate

or atleast refused to  

Articulating my thoughts

& feelings into words

made them something tangible 

So I write obsessively 

lying to myself 

if they’re on paper

they no longer live in 

my heart & my mind