The Cue

The thing about addiction is that you can’t comprehend how deep you are in it until you get sober.

I think addiction comes in many forms. the hardest to quit, you. What is the difference between any substance and you? The same cycle: a euphoric high, a miserable isolating comedown, swearing I’d never indulge again as I came to my senses. Then, a relapse because I was craving you.

How bad could it be?

How could something that felt so good simultaneously be so detrimental?

I used to think you were special, but what weight does that hold coming from someone with an addictive personality?

Maybe it was merely an infatuation with the facade you so easily put on. It’s so strange because as much as I hate you for what you did, or didn’t do, I still couldn’t comprehend how someone could be so heartless, egotistical, so detached from reality and consequences.

Until I destroyed myself in the aftermath , unintentionally and unwilling I had become you.

I went from someone who could love purely, honestly, openly. To having my guard up. When you learn how badly you can get hurt for loving, it almost never makes you want to be vulnerable again. 

Pain has a way of transferring over from one human to another in learned behaviors, precedents of a preconceived perception on life. It is a vicious cycle of getting hurt, and sometimes hurting someone else.

It pains me sometimes to think about how I can never love purely and fully without the thought of it all going to shit again.

Trust is so important to me. You betrayed me, countless times, and I let you. 

I still don’t know what to call it, an infatuation, limerence, lust even 

But whatever that was, it sure as hell wasn’t love. 

The front you put up has finally fallen and

You were a lesson

That feelings aren’t always reality

That lust can so easily be mistaken for love  

That I’m not solely to blame for our demise and

that I am enough.